In today’s medical world, cancer treatment guidelines are constantly evolving. CME events are held worldwide to help health care professionals become more familiar with new treatments. They can be live events held at specific locations or online activities. I will not go into further detail about the CMEs or industry-sponsored CMEs because that is not the focus of this story.
The best thing about being a physician is the opportunity to participate in CME activities outside of Islamabad. These occasions are like a breath of fresh air for me because they give me a valid reason to leave my city for a while, visit a different place, and feel like I’m on vacation while learning something new about my specialty.
The typical day at my house begins with my parents bickering and the noise of utensils, as the kitchen is in front of our room, and I share a room with my mother and sister. On my day off, the light is turned on at 6 a.m., and everyone gets ready according to their schedules. My room door is usually open, and I can guess what’s cooking in the kitchen while I sleep because the exhaust fan hasn’t worked since we moved in. Every morning, I wake up after hearing these phrases in loud voices:
Paani nahi aa raha! (There’s no water in the taps!)
Ye nalka bhi kaam nahi kar raha! (Even this tap does not work!)
Lo jee, is kamrey ki light b kharab ho gayi (The tube light in this room is no longer working!)
Kam bijli istemaal kia kro, bohat bill aata ha! (Try to save a little electricity; prices are rising!)
Geyser mat chalao, abhi itni sardi b nahi hai, bohat bill aata ha (Winters are not as harsh as you think. Don’t turn on the geyser yet! It is expensive.)
Ammi paani garam kar k do, mene nahaana ha! (Mom, please heat some water for me; I need to take a bath.)
Kooray wala aagaya (The garbage collector is here!)
Doodh wala aagaya (The milkman is at the door!)
The most uncomfortable of all are:
Tumhare baap ne ab ye kardia… (Accusatory phrases like “your dad did this now so-and-so”)
Bete teri maa ko smjh hi nahi aari…. (Your mother does not understand so-and-so and…)
The days when I travel outside of the city for a CME and stay in a hotel are the highlights of my year. I can use the air conditioner, take as many showers as I want, and order whatever I want without worrying about sharing with my siblings. The feeling of having the entire bed to myself, including all of the pillows, is priceless. I can play music in the background, watch my favorite TV shows, and forget about everything else.
I mean, I’m far away from the noisy environment, my siblings’ daily endless quarrels, the noise of utensils, the smell of everything being cooked for meals, the constant screaming in the background, and the fear and anxiety of what will happen next. It’s heaven, and the best visits happen when I get my own room.
I recently traveled to Lahore to attend a four-day conference on the most recent advances in cancer treatment. It was unlike any other conference I’d attended in the past. I didn’t have a colleague or friend with me, attendance was lower than it had been in previous years, and I didn’t see many familiar faces. Few people from various institutes came, and I knew only a few of them, and not particularly well.
The first day I arrived, after sleeping uninterrupted for 16 hours in a row after so many days, I realized that my interrupted sleep was not a side effect of any medication or stress, and I was not on the verge of developing insomnia; it was simply a lack of a peaceful environment!
I slept so much that when I awoke, my eyelids were swollen; they returned to normal after an hour and two cups of tea.
Although my day was going well, I was attending sessions from morning until afternoon and then relaxing in my room. I went to the nearby market or went shopping, but these were brief visits. I discovered an interesting department store with a floor dedicated to stationery items. I bought some lovely journals and pens from there. My brother specifically told me, “Daman aapi, wahan se mere liye koi souvenior zarur le k aana!” (Please bring me something as a memory of your visit.)
The word “souvenir” made me laugh out loud as if I were about to go on a trip to the Maldives.
So, on the second day, the sessions were excellent, but there was no free food. I was extremely hungry after focusing all day. So I decided to go out on my own to eat something I enjoyed. Fortunately, there was a famous mall nearby.
I was dressed in a shalwar kameez and shawl, as I had brought a few warm clothes because it was almost winter in Islamabad, and the wind was chilly, so I assumed the same would be true in Lahore. However, it was extremely hot in Lahore.
I looked around the entire food court but couldn’t find an empty seat. I wished I had brought someone who could have helped me find a chair. What happens if I buy food but cannot find a chair? And I couldn’t leave my bag on a chair for fear of having it stolen.
So, after a thought, I bought some ice cream and sat on a side railing. It was a unique flavor and one of my favorites, which is typically difficult to find in my city. And if I do find it, it will be extremely expensive, whereas it was relatively inexpensive over there. So after that, I felt a lot better!
Although I had no intention of eating pizza, I had to do so because I finally found a seat at a table in a pizza stall. The chair was at a table, and a young couple was sitting in front of me, too close, and chatting happily. Although I had placed my order, due to a busy weekend and rush, they were taking too long to prepare the orders. I had to listen to their “lovely talk” for 30–40 minutes while I waited.
I couldn’t think of anything except how much more modern Gen Z is than us old-school millennials. I noticed many teenage couples holding hands all around me. I won’t say it made me jealous, but it did make me feel uncomfortable and possibly a little lonely.
After finishing the entire pizza, I left and resumed my search for the perfect “souvenir” for my brother. I went to almost every store that sold items for 14-year-olds, but I couldn’t find anything interesting! He already had everything I could think of that suited his taste. So in the end, I just bought three journals in very pretty colors for my sister and left the mall.
When I came out of the mall to leave, I had booked a rickshaw, and the rickshaw driver had specifically instructed me that I should be at the gate because he was coming in two minutes. It was a busy period, and I couldn’t afford to lose my rickshaw. A 14–15-year-old boy approached me and said, “Aap entry karwa den humari please, hum sindh se aaye hen!” (Could you please assist us in gaining entry into the mall? We are visiting this place for the first time and have come from a far away location.)
Following some unfortunate incidents, a policy has been implemented in Islamabad and Lahore (I am not sure about the other cities), prohibiting single boys from entering malls; only boys with families are permitted. Many boys who come usually ask a lady to accompany them so that they can gain entry into a mall.
So I told him I would have definitely helped him if my rickshaw hadn’t arrived. He asked me again, “Please, mjhe kuch smjh nahi aaraha, ap kisi ko keh den na!” (I can’t think of any other options; could you please request someone else?)
I told him I didn’t know anyone there because I wasn’t from Lahore. He asked again, “Aap, please chalain na, aap keh dena mere bachay hen.” (Please come with us, and inform the guards that these are my children!)
Although I found this funny, it also saddened me. It’s funny that I now have to pretend to be the mother of adults as well. But, as my rickshaw had arrived, I excused him and sat in it.
Nonetheless, I felt bad for the boy.
When I got back to the hotel, washed up, took off my makeup, heels, and the elegant shalwar kameez and shawl that I had worn all day in the heat, changed into comfortable clothes, turned on the AC, snuggled into my bed, I felt so good.
When I got up to get some water, I noticed that the heels had caused blisters on my feet.
I felt much better now than when I was surrounded by a crowd, and I realized that what irritated and pained me was not being alone or lonely, but rather those uncomfortable clothes, empty stomach, heels, heat, noise, the first day of the heavy period.
The thought made me happy, so I turned off the lights and slept like a baby!
The next day, I planned to pay a visit to my aunt. I hadn’t visited her home in years. I arrived and saw that all of those children, who were so young when I last saw them, had grown up, and more children had been born. I was already feeling old.
I decided to go to a well-known shrine with my aunt. All of her grandchildren accompanied us because they were too excited to see me after years of visiting them. They were suspicious that if I went out with my aunt, I might not return and go back to Islamabad. So they all sat with me in the metro. All 5 to 6 children. One of them, who is two years old, sat on my lap and kept kissing my face out of affection. A lady whispered in my aunt’s ear, “Dekhain maama k sath kitna khush hai?!” (See how happy he is with his mother!)
When I arrived at the shrine, the gatekeeper who collects the shoes there saw all the children with me and prayed for me: “Allah kre aap k bachay jiyen!” (May Allah grant your children long lives!)
I was fed up and replied, “Bhai, mere bachay nahi hen!” (They are not my children!)
My aunt was concerned that I was becoming uncomfortable. So she informed him that I was unmarried and that these were her grandchildren. So the next prayer is: Allah karay aglay saal aap, apne shohar k sath aayen! (I hope that by the time you visit this place next year, you will have married and will come with your husband!)
I wanted to cry, and I have decided that I will never say again that I do not have children!
All of these incidents made me question myself: do I look so old?
Then I wonder why I’m second-guessing myself as our girls marry at such a young age. As a result, the average person is forced to think in this manner.
These innocuous incidents add to the pressure to find someone and settle as soon as possible. I believe that every relative I meet and those who enquire about my younger siblings simply ask, phir ab kab? (until when?) They’ve all grown up now. One of my younger sisters is married, and my mother is considering marrying my younger brother as well.
Is the loneliness epidemic real, or are we influenced by dramas, films, songs, or peer pressure to seek companionship?
“Born to die” is one of my favorite songs by Lana Del Rey.
I feel so alone on the Friday nights
Or Justin Bieber when he sings “lonely”;
What if you had it all
But nobody to call?
Maybe then you’d know me
‘Cause I’ve had everything
But no one’s listening
And that’s just lonely
I understand that the image of cuddling someone or holding hands whenever you want is beautiful, but why do most marriages and relationships turn into a liability once the honeymoon period is over? What happens when a few months of passionate and dreamy love turns into life-long quarrels and bitterness towards each other? Why aren’t we shown the negative aspects as well? Why do people who are so in love eventually split up because one of them starts hating the other?
These are only my questions!
I have become irritable due to these phrases, even by my classmates and friends.
Kya iradaay hen shaadi nahi karni? (What are your future plans? Don’t you want to marry?)
Umar nikal rahi hai? (You will soon lose the correct timing of getting married!)
Akeli reh jao gi, reh lo gi? (You’re going to end up alone! Can you do that?)
Behan bhai hi paalti raho gi? Apna ghar nahi basana? (Will you continue raising younger siblings? Don’t you want your own home?)
Apne liye nahi to maa baap ka socho, unhe stress hoga! (Think about your parents; they must be worried!)
Jitni umar hoti jaati ha, concieve karna phir utna hi mushkil hota hai! (Marrying late reduces the chances of having children!)
And the most unique: “45 k baad bohat akela feel hoga!” (You will experience true loneliness after the age of 45!)
I had a funny response: Koi baat nahi abhi 15 saal pare hen mere paas! (Don’t worry, I still have 15 years to turn 45!)
To everyone who has questions, I just want to say to them:
Please don’t worry about single people, particularly women. Don’t worry, they’re already aware that their biological clock is ticking. Who could be more aware than physicians?
Sometimes people were not raised in the same way you were. People can have different priorities, and think differently, and you never know what problems they may be facing. Perhaps they need to take care of something, are unwilling to settle for less, have medical issues, or feel comfortable on their own.
Perhaps they are unwilling to take risks in their lives, or they are already exhausted and do not want to face the consequences of further poor decisions.
Please be kind. You have no idea what remarks you make about the personal lives and choices of single people around you will make them uncomfortable or sad on any given day. Please stop robbing others of their joy.
I believe that getting married or entering a relationship solely for the fear of being alone is a significant risk. Times have changed. I’ve seen unhappy marriages among my friends who married and chose the first option they could find out of fear of loneliness or family pressure.
People who overthink can use their minds in unimaginable ways. Like mine. After experiencing painful feet, a painful period, and a hungry stomach, I began to suspect that I was lonely and that I needed to take immediate action to overcome my loneliness.
Sometimes I think that when I make a new friend with the intention of not being alone anymore, they become so clingy that I consider ways to get rid of them. That is also extremely inconvenient!
We believe there must be someone whose surname we can use as our own. Perhaps that is the only source of pride for our girls. Our accomplishments do not determine our self-worth. Why aren’t we taught that being self-sufficient and spending time alone is also an option? Why don’t we believe that there is an age limit for finding someone, or that our self-worth is dependent on finding a well-settled man?
I am determined that I am not afraid of loneliness and will not succumb to family pressure. I’m learning to enjoy my own company, pursue my hobbies, and avoid people who might judge my life choices. If I can withstand the pressure for so many years in comparison to girls my age, I am willing to do so unless I am truly prepared.
Sometimes I wonder how long I could continue this way and how, but the answer is simply that I have been doing it like this all along.
Damane Zehra is a radiation oncology resident in Pakistan.
